Q: I feel distant from so many of my friends. I always have to put in more work and it’s getting really frustrating. Should I distance myself or say something?
A: Hi love. I feel this tremendously. Recently, I was struggling with these exact same feelings but I had a really interesting conversation with someone I look up to and my mindset has completely changed. At first, I was very cruel in the way I talked to myself, “Sophia, no one wants to hang out with you. You’re needy and annoying and a people pleaser. If people actually enjoyed your company then you wouldn’t always be the one making the plans”. While those concerns were valid, that’s just not the case and it was damaging to convince myself that my spiral of overthinking nonsense was the truth. In reality, I realized that I’ve designated myself as the type A plan maker. I’ve always been that way and that’s what people are used to. Does that mean sometimes it sucks to make things happen? Sure but that’s why your friends love and NEED you. What would they do without you… most definitely do not have their sh*t together in the fun friend group department.
I was scrolling through Instagram the other day and came across this really interesting piece of advice from an author whose post was circulating amongst my age group. Grace Valentine writes in “18 Things I Wish I knew At 18…”, ‘1. Friendship isn’t 50/50. Sometimes you will be the “better friend” and that doesn’t make you pathetic, it makes you loving. Sometimes your friends will go through it… breakups happen, depression hits, anxiety overwhelms, grief becomes present, fiances are tough, and life just gets hard. And sometimes you will go through it and need someone to hold your hair back, remain you you’re worth it, and make you get ice cream even wehn you say “I’m fine”. Don’t be afraid to text first, ask someone to hang out when they feel distant, and talk about it. Friendship isn’t a contract agreement to always have it together, but it is a relationship where you walk with someone through the good and bad. Don’t love people only so they love you in return. Love friends well because you care about them.”
That all being said you are a gem, a gift to anyone is blessed to know you and call you a friend. TRUST YOUR GUT. You’re time and love and friendship can not be taken for granted. Give of yourself to others who you know would do the same in return. Lulls in friendship are normal, and extreme periods of closeness are normal… just be aware that the feeling of being walked on, used, or disrespected is NOT. Bring 70% to the friend who’s giving 30% because this is someone that deserves your energy and care at this moment. Emphasis on MOMENT, rather than allowing you’re friendship this way on the regular. Even when you feel that you’re not in control, you are. Make decisions the way you want to and take this new year to reflect on your priorities and needs.
We got this,
Sophia