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Ask Sophia: I want to know how he feels without me saying it first

Q: "Ok so for months now... I have had a major crush on this boy. We are in the same band and he is a drummer...(a little-known fact: I get really attached really quickly). I can never tell if he is flirting with me or just being friendly. Anyways, we play fight, he makes fun of my height CONSTANTLY, he sits next to me all the time. Literally every time I see him I get butterflies. So basically all I am trying to say is I want to know how he feels, without me saying it first :(" - Anonymous

A: Dude this problem is so relatable. I also totally get attached to certain people very quickly and develop intense crushes. The catch is that I barely know these crushes and I latch onto false fantasies I’ve created in my head… so that’s a problem. Anyway, the gray zone flirty maybe more than a friend's stage with a guy where you just don’t know where you stand is so fun but so scary. Obviously he is into you enough to be your friend and it’s not like he’s made it clear that he’s definitely uninterested in something more with you so that just means there is just a huge question mark. In my experience, the answer is pretty simple. Either he is scared to say how feels first because he doesn’t know if you feel the same way OR he likes you as a friend, maybe more, but not enough to ask you out and fully date you.

Here are the obvious signs that someone likes you:

  • They want to be around you: in group settings you are the main focus of their attention and they make plans with you (in advance!)

  • They remember things: Someone who likes you remembers things about your life, your family, your interests, things you love and things you hate

  • Friends: They tell their friends about you, or ask your friends about you/make an effort to be nice to your friends

Well wouldn’t that be nice?! Someone who genuinely likes you and makes it clear and isn’t confusing? Wow. Mind blowing.

When I dealt with a situation like this a few months ago I was alllll in my head. Some days I would convince myself he did like me because we would hang out and text… so obviously he did. Then other days I would remind myself that he wasn’t being bold enough, he didn’t really remember things about my life that we had talked about extensively, and that maybe he just didn’t really like me. I was wasting too much time trying to figure it all out and I asked a lot of my friends for advice. My best friend's older cousin, who had just graduated from college, was over at my friend's house one evening. I told her about my dilemma and she gave me a really good piece of advice. She told me something along the lines of this: if on the next time you guys hang out and at the end of the night it’s still unclear what's going on, you have the full, completely acceptable right to ask him ‘hey are we just hanging out as friends?’. If he says that he didn’t think so and wanted something more then that’s great. If he says yes, just friends, then you can decide that maybe you can’t hang out with him just as friends OR you can accept that and play it cool with ‘yea that’s what I thought too’. That advice sounded normal and probably doable but also like no. There was no way I was going to do that. But then I sat with it for a little bit, and now thinking back, I think you 100% have to put the question out there. You aren’t admitting anything first and confessing your feelings, you’re just trying to protect your own feelings and not to waste your time.

Long story short, if he’s not making it clear (which he should be but then again… high school boys) you should just ask him what's going on. It’s a fair question and then at least you’ll have your answer. Also, I’m sure that if you make a flirty move or compliment him, etc, maybe you’ll get your answer naturally without even having to ask.

We got this,


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