Who has/had a secret boyfriend/girlfriend?!*** Very fun. Very exciting. If you’ve never really had the conversation about dating with your parents, it’s probably stressing you out to bring it up because you aren’t quite sure what they’ll say and tbh it’s just hella awkward. Some parents don’t care, some just want you to be honest, and others would kill you if they knew you were dating someone until you were like 18. This is an issue but not an uncommon one. What even is dating in middle school lol. Even if it’s just holding hands and facetiming 24/7, your parents are gonna want to be in the loop. Get ready for another Mom Diaries where I yet again preach about compromising (very on brand). Don't worry girl!!!! We are gonna figure out a strategy for you to get your way and enjoy having a boyfriend (or gf).
In general: If there isn’t a specific person you are dating or want to date but you still want to know what your parents think about dating, a good way to bring it up is by talking about a friend of yours (or make up a situation). While driving home from school or making dinner, casually tell your mom that X is dating Y. See how she reacts and ask her what she thinks about dating. There’s the authentic answer you’ve been waiting to here… depending on what she says, use the two scenarios below as an aid.
We have 2 scenarios:
First, your parents would be ok with it but you don’t know how to tell them.
I’m assuming that you and your soon to be ‘boyfriend’ would hang in a group setting a lot of the time. Bring his name up to your parents in a casual way when they ask you who you had lunch with at school or who was at the hangout last night. If you do ever decided to full on date this kid or explicitly tell your parents about it, your parents may be more relaxed and ask less questions if they have met this boy before or are familiar with his name. Curious and nosey parents will pry and ask who likes who or if you’re dating him... in which case you can ask ‘would that be a problem’ or ‘do you want me to date him’ in a jokingly tone. Your parents may be an observer: noticing him coming over a lot or you being secretive and closed off about it. They will connect the dots and keep quiet.
Either way (if you're super open with your parents about it or they just quietly knows) your middle school fling will rarely last longer than a month and he may be too awkward to hangout alone with you. Unless you feel the relationship is growing to be serious (more than kissing, trips together, staying out late at his house) you don’t necessarily need to plan to breach your parents trust but more just assume things are ok until you hear otherwise. You obviously have an understanding of how strict your parents are and know their limits.
It’s awkward to formally tell your parents you are dating someone. I would say something casual along the lines of ‘Can you drop me at my friend Seth’s house?’. Let’s say that your parents allow you guys to hangout alone but not in your room (this is a popular one) you gotta pull out the compromises.
Boys in my room if the door is open
Boys in my room if there are girls in the room too
Go over to a boys house if there is another girl there
Hangout with the boy if I introduce you to him
Know that the more you hang out with this kid and the tighter he gets with your family, the less hesitant and strict your parents will be.
Second, they are firmly opposed.
To make this simple, you either can respect your parents and tell the guy that you like him but hope he would be willing to wait until you guys can formly date OR you just don’t really tell your parents. It’s very easy to bend the truth… don’t bring it up and hang out at your friend's house. Just keep this boyfriend under the radar. (if they do find out, just tell them that you didn't know they wouldn’t be ok with you dating). BUT the point is to be deceitful to your parents. While you could get away with being dishonest, it only really makes sense if it’s nothing more than a flirtatious interest… Dear Monday Fam: no secretive nudes and losing your virginity to a person who doesn’t care about your parents approval (or anything putting you at risk of getting an STD)!!!!!
The conversation might go smoother if you ask questions such as why are you guys opposed to me dating, were your parents ok with you dating at a young age and were you happy with that decision, how can we meet in the middle, what would you be ok with, when’s an age that you think dating would be reasonable? It’s likely you’ll get a whole lecture with lots of rules and too many questions. In that case, saying less is more.
***I want to be inclusive of all sexualities but my blog is targeted to a heterosexual audience. I will try to be more broad with pronouns and subjects but as you know, my blogs most often talk about heterosexual situations. I hope you all can apply my posts to any situation you experience but I have realized that it would be inauthentic to pivot the direction of my blog to rely on advice I can not provide.
We got this,
Sophia